Too often one sibling will tell the other it “wasn’t like that” – because each sibling has their own personality and birth order, and these affect our experiences. You’ve also touched on something else rarely recognised, which is that each sibling has their own memories of growing up.
It’s surprising how few people think about this. You have some good insight into your family dynamics and seem to understand that your parents’ own upbringing had an effect on the way they parented. I think all of you could do with family counselling to help you deal with what sounds like a very traumatic upbringing. If only we could get others to go to counselling, but we can’t. Surely my sister should deal with this by seeing a counsellor? I don’t share these memories, and though life was tough in our “strapped for cash” working-class home, I channel my energies in a different way. Could it be she is simply unhappy with how her own life turned out? Although she paints a picture that everything is wonderful and amazing, she and one other sibling refuse to talk to this older sister. I usually ignore her ramblings, but lately I find myself challenging her resentments. Almost every conversation we have concludes with her talking about our older sister’s faults and how she made mistakes in not acting responsibly when our mother had a breakdown 40 years ago. My younger sister (whom I now communicate with on a regular basis) seems to have a lot of hatred towards this older sibling. Through no fault of her own, she was ill-prepared to take on four sisters. Our older sister had to step into our mother’s shoes – a lot for her young shoulders. Our father was an alcoholic and abusive to our mother. Since my dad died two years ago, I’ve reconnected with one of two younger sisters (I’m one of five) who abandoned our family without explanation.
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